Men think their female partners have far more orgasms than they do, research shows.
As a sex therapist, it’s no surprise for me that men and women have different interpretations about what has occurred between then in the bedroom.
The recently released National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior found that men overestimate whether their partner has had an orgasm and underestimate their pain.
In the survey, 64 percent of women reported having an orgasm last time at bat, but 85 percent of men said their female partners had one. Also, about 30 percent of women reported that sex was painful and apparently the men were unaware of that.
Communication between men and women about sex – regardless of their age – is severely lacking. And when sex is not going well the communication gets even worse.
Couples often avoid sexual discussions which then lead to worsening of the problem.
Why? Because from the time boys and girls are about 5 years old, they segregate into same-gender groups. Boys play with boys, girls with girls, and then society enforces that natural segregation when it comes time to talk about our bodies.
We do nothing to enhance communication between males and females. Even sex education often happens in same gender classes.
What we ought to be doing, she said, is, from young ages, teaching boys and girls what it means to be a good friend, how a loving family operates, and later, not just how each gender’s body works, but what love is, how to be a good boyfriend, a good girlfriend. Talks about sex shouldn’t just be between father and son, mother and daughter.
The obvious way out of all this is to talk — really talk, openly and frankly.
For those whom talking is simply too uncomfortable, sometimes “baby steps,” even non-verbal communication can be necessary.
Whatever strategy couples use, there is a reward for communicating. Women can stop feeling pain, men can stop guessing about orgasms, and both partners can get the kind of sexual experiences they want.
A third of women never have an orgasm, a third have one (or more) every now and then, and a third have one (or more) regularly.
Many women feel ok about not having an orgasm, but worry because they read, or hear that it is not normal.
If you don’t have one and don’t really care whether or not you have one – then that’s your decision – no one else’s. A partner may feel inadequate if the women does not orgasm and may put pressure on the women to “fix it.” But remember, the decision about what to do with your body is yours not your partners’.
There are women who want to have an orgasm and that’s different. If you want to learn how to do it or how to have more, there’s help for that. But whether you want it or not, remember it’s your body and your decision.
A recent WebMD-Feature revealed five interesting facts about the penis that may surprise you.
1. Your Penis May be a ‘Grower’ or a ‘Show-er’
Among men, there is no consistent relationship between the size of the flaccid penis and its full erect length.
In one study of 80 men, researchers found that increases from flaccid to erect lengths ranged widely, from less than a quarter inch to 3.5 inches longer.
Whatever the clinical significance of these data may be, the locker-room significance is considerable. You can’t assume that a dude with a big limp penis gets much bigger with an erection. And the guy whose penis looks tiny could surprise you with a big erection.
An analysis of more than a thousand measurements taken by sex researcher Alfred Kinsey shows that shorter flaccid penises tend to gain about twice as much length as longer flaccid penises.
A penis that doesn’t gain much length with an erection has become known as a “show-er,” and a penis that gains a lot is said to be a “grower.” These are not medical terms, and there aren’t scientifically established thresholds for what’s a show-er or a grower.
Kinsey’s data suggest that most penises aren’t extreme show-ers or growers. About 12% of penises gained one-third or less of their total length with an erection, and about 7% doubled in length when erect.
2. Your Penis Does Have a Mind of Its Own
You’ve probably noticed that your penis often does its own thing. You may remember times when it was completely inappropriate to have an erection; and yet you couldn’t wish it away.
It’s true that you have less command over your penis than body parts like your arms and legs. That’s because the penis answers to a part of the nervous system that’s not always under your conscious control. This is called the autonomic nervous system, which also regulates heart rate and blood pressure.
Sexual arousal usually isn’t voluntary. The conscious mind is complicit in it, but a lot of sexual arousal goes on in the sympathetic nervous system. In addition, impulses from the brain during the REM phase of sleep cause erections, whether you’re dreaming about sex or about a test you forgot to study for. Heavy lifting or straining to have a bowel movement can also produce an erection.
Just as the penis grows without your consent, sometimes it shrinks. “The flaccid penis varies in size considerably within a given man,” says Drogo Montague, MD, a urologist at the Cleveland Clinic. Exposure to cold water or air makes your penis shrink. That’s a function of the sympathetic nervous system.
Psychological stress also involves the sympathetic nervous system, and stress has the same effect as a cold shower, Montague says. When you’re relaxed and feeling well, your flaccid penis looks bigger than when you’re stressed out. Psychological stress can result in loss of libido and problems with erections. Both stress and anxiety are leading causes of temporary erectile dysfunction or ED. Being able to manage stress and control anxiety will help you get your erectile function back.
Of course, not all ED is caused by psychological problems such as stress. Physical problems such as atherosclerosis or high blood pressure can inhibit the flow of blood to your penis. Type 2 diabetes can damage both blood vessels and the nerves involved in getting an erection. Excessive alcohol consumption can also interfere with getting an erection.
The penis is “kind of a barometer of the sympathetic nervous system,” Montague says. So the greeting, “How’s it hanging?” is more apt than you might have realized.
3. Your Penis Is Shaped Like a Boomerang
Your penis is shaped like a boomerang. Just like you don’t see all of a big oak tree above ground, you don’t see the root of your penis tucked up inside your pelvis and attached to your pubic bone.
In an MRI picture, the penis looks distinctly boomerang-like, as noted by a French researcher who studied men and women having sex inside an MRI scanner.
One method of surgical “penis enlargement” is to cut the ligament that holds the root of the penis up inside the pelvis. This operation may give some men a little extra length if more of the penis protrudes from the body, but there are side effects. This ligament, called the suspensory ligament, makes an erection sturdy. With that ligament cut, the erect penis loses its upward angle and it wobbles at the base. The lack of sturdiness can lead to injury.
4. You Can Break Your Penis
There is no “penis bone,” but you can break your penis all the same. It’s called penile fracture, and it’s not a subtle injury. When it happens, there’s “an audible pop or snap,” Montague says. Then the penis turns black and blue. And there’s terrible pain.
Penile fracture is rare, and it typically happens to younger men because their erections tend to be quite rigid.
Here’s how to avoid penile fracture: don’t use your penis too roughly. A common way that penile fracture happens, Montague says, is when a man is thrusting too hard and fast during sex, and slams into his partner’s pubic bone. Also, a woman who moves wildly while on top of a man during sex can break a man’s penis.
Peyronie’s syndrome is a related condition that tends to show up more in older men, Montague says. An older man’s erection may not be as rigid, but still is hard enough for sex. Over time, if the penis bends too much a certain way during sex, small tears in the tissue can form scars, and the accumulated scar tissue gives the penis an abnormally curved shape.
Not all penis curvature is a problem, however. “There is a lot of variability in what normal is,” Cummings says.
5. Most Penises in the World Are Uncut
A report by the World Health Organization (WHO) and the Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS (UNAIDS) estimates that worldwide only 30% of males aged 15 and up are circumcised.
Rates vary greatly depending upon religion and nationality. Almost all Jewish and Muslim males in the world have circumcised penises, and together they account for about 70% of all circumcised males globally.
The United States has the highest proportion of males circumcised for non-religious reasons. A whopping 75% of non-Jewish, non-Muslim American men are circumcised. Compare that to Canada, where only 30% are. In the U.K. it’s 20%; in Australia it’s merely 6%.
The practice of circumcising baby boys for medical and cosmetic reasons has become controversial in the U.S. But recently the World Health Organization (WHO) and the UUNAIDS recommended circumcision for adult men, based upon evidence that men with circumcised penises have a lower risk of being infected with HIV.
The CDC estimates that about 65% of all newborn boys get circumcised in the U.S.
According to a new study, the researchers for the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior say Americans indulge in 41 possible combinations of sexual acts.
Many of us, the survey says, do a bit of this and a fair amount of that, not of course all at one time. In fact, the panel of researchers say, the number is no doubt higher than 41, but the survey did not ask, for example, about use of sex toys and porn.
The study, of 5,865 people between the ages of 14 and 94, focused on five sex acts: penile-vaginal intercourse, solo masturbation, partnered masturbation, oral sex and anal sex.
The most common sexual encounter among both men and women was limited to one sex act: 32.9 percent of men and 39 percent of women aged 18-59 only engaged in penile-vaginal intercourse. But over 6 percent of men aged 25-29 used all five techniques the last time they had sex. About 16 percent of women 18-24 used four as did about 8 percent of women aged 50-59. And remember, that was just their last time.
To some, ignorance is bliss. That’s all the better to maintain the image of this country as a land of heterosexual married couples locked in a missionary position.
Stats on oral sex are: Eighty-eight percent of men aged 30-39 have performed oral sex on a woman. Almost 69 percent did it in the past year. Eighteen percent of boys aged 16-17 have given a girl oral sex in the past year. More than 15 percent of men in three age groups have given oral sex to another man.
Stats on anal sex are: 21 percent of women aged 25-29 had anal sex in the last year. By the time girls are 19, the new study shows, 30 percent have had anal sex at least once.
For many women, variety in each sexual encounter is better. Women reported they were much more likely to have an orgasm if their partners used more than one technique; 54 percent of women reported having an orgasm the last time they had sex when they engaged only in one act, but 89 percent of women who performed five sex acts during their last encounter had an orgasm.
All this can be fun, of course, but as our sexual variety has expanded, we’ve created more disease pathways. HPV, the cause of cervical cancer and genital warts, can be transmitted to the anus and mouth. The rise in oral sex corresponds with a rise in the rate of oropharyngeal cancer. Infection increases too. There are more cases of genitals being infected with herpes type 1, the cold sore type. There is also a rise in the rate of anal cancers which can also be caused by HPV.
Studies prove we must adjust health messages to fit our practices, like encouraging adoption of the HPV vaccine, and making sure everyone, in all age groups, understands that enjoyment of this variety means we must take greater responsibility for our related health concerns.
According to September issue of Prevention Magazine, the Pelvic and Sexual Health Institute says 53% of women and 45% of men use a vibrator for sexual stimulation.
Using a vibrator can generate greater desire, arousal, lubrication and frequency of orgasm.
The article also highlights Zestra, a botanical oil applied topically that increases blood flow and creates a warm, tingling sensation. Prevention Magazine claims that women using the oil climax more quickly and have more intense orgasms.
More information on Zestra is available on their official website: http://www.zestra.com/
A “safe word” is a word or a signal that consenting S&M (sadomasochistic and masochistic) partners use to keep their activity comfortably safe. S&M interests are those that include being humiliated, whipped, bound, beaten, etc, in order to get pleasure from experiencing pain.
It is usually a word (not associated with sex) such as “pineapple,” used to signal the partner that they want to immediately halt their sexual activity. An agreement is made prior to engaging in the activity that if either person wants to stop all they have to do is say their safe word or give a signal previously agreed upon.
Sometimes the words “green,” “yellow,” and “red” are used within the BDSM community to indicate “go,” “caution,” and “stop.”
For anyone wanting to experiment in this area, it is imperative that you do not use a stranger (especially someone you meet over the internet). There are individuals pretending to be interested in S&M solely for dangerous ulterior motives, like robbery, rape, or murder.
It is true that many women are often appalled when they think about going into their local sex shops.
First, we have to overcome our early training that women should not be seen in those kinds of places. It’s embarrassing, nerve wracking, and scary. Then, when (and if) you can overcome your initial fears and do go in, you notice there are mostly (if not all) men in the store, including the clerk.
It doesn’t help that you feel that all eyes are on you as you look through the items for the right style, size, shape, color and purpose.
Well, since I’ve heard these tales of woe so often from women, I’d like to pass along the name of a company that I’ve referred women to for years. They used to have a catalog but apparently now operate solely online. The company is run by women, for women.
They have everything needed to bring the most pleasure to your sex life including toys, lubricants, books, videos, and more. And yes, your items are shipped in plain brown, discrete wrapping.
According to sex therapist, Dr. Weston in WebMD the Magazine, about 25% of women have never had an orgasm – either with a partner or during masturbation.
It is possible to learn to be orgasmic.
Dr. Weston says the first and most important lesson is to practice developing a balance of tension and relaxation during sexual activity. But, how can they be both tense and relaxed at the same time? Here is her two-part answer:
Part 1:
The type of tension that helps women reach orgasm is muscle tension. The majority of women learn to have their first orgasm by incorporating a fair amount of leg, abdominal, and buttock tension.
Women report that the most orgasm-inducing muscle contractions are in their lower pelvis. These are the same muscles you squeeze to stop the flow of urine midstream.
What is the connection between tensing muscle groups and having an orgasm? Arousal. Contracting (or tensing) certain muscles increases blood flow throughout the body and often to the genital area. And arousal, of course, is the road map that helps lead most women to orgasm.
Part 2:
So, where’s the relaxation part of this equation? In the brain. During sex, a woman should be focused simply on feeling the sensations of the stimulation.
Have a hard time relaxing? Dr. Weston’s suggestions is to think of a Times Square billboard in which words stream into view from the left-hand side to the right edge, and then disappear off the screen. During sex, many women find it helpful to program their own Times Square news crawl with a repetitive mantra such as “I can take as long as I want” or “This really feels great” on their mental silent radio. It keeps the brain occupied — but with a thought that will encourage sexual arousal rather than with a nervous, negative thought that might decrease arousal.
For homework, during sex, tense up your muscles and let your mind go silent. This technique takes practice, but it can work over time.
Therapy can help some women having difficulty with orgasm. For others, a medical condition or side effects from a medication may be causing the problem.
The University of West Florida recently conducted a study on “booty calls” involving 300 students, published in July’s Journal of Sex Research.
A “booty call” is a slang term for “a late night summons — often made via telephone — to arrange sexual liaisons on an ad hoc basis.” Most college students today have at least a passing familiarity with the term, but few researchers have investigated what makes up these relationships.
This study finds that booty-call relationships are marked by less emotion than long-term partnerships but more sexual variety than one-night stands. Booty calls mix the sexual and the emotional, but are distinct from either one-night stands or committed relationships.
The students in this study took online surveys asking them how many times they had done certain acts during their booty call relationships. Some of these acts, like vaginal intercourse or oral sex, were sexual in nature. Others, like hand-holding or kissing, were emotional.
The team found that overall, emotional acts were less common in booty-call relationships compared with serious long-term relationships. On the other hand, sex acts were more common in booty-call relationships than in one-night stands, probably because the reoccurring nature of booty calls means more time for trying new things.
Emotional acts like kissing and hand-holding function as foreplay and act to escalate the relationship, in a very quick fashion, to sex.
Research suggests that booty-call relationships often end when one partner pushes the other for something more committed than casual sex. Avoiding conversation and leaving right after sex can prevent those emotional bonds from forming.
In the April-June 2010 journal of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, a study conducted by Sandra S. Stroebel from the Department of School Psychology Marshall University centered around boys inserting objects into their rectum or urethras during masturbation before age 18 and the effect this had on their sexual habits later in life.
The study used data provided by 841 men using an anonymous computerized survey. The study found that the boys who engaged in this kind of activity prior to 18 years old were approximately 15% more likely to insert objects into their rectums and/or urethras into adulthood. It also increased the likelihood of them wanting to use objects in relation to their partner’s genitals and/or anus.
These results are not surprising since we know that many habits as well as likes/dislikes (including sexual ones) can have their roots in childhood.
