Rape victims feel like they’ve been forced to serve a life sentence of fear, depression, sexual problems and relationship distress in their own personal prisons. 

According to “Enhancing Empathy” by Bays and Longo, one-in-four women report being raped (forced to have oral, anal and/or vaginal sex against their will) after the age of 18.  Women aren’t the only victims; children and men are also raped.  It is estimated that as many as 80,000 men are raped everyday in American prisons. 

• Rape is not an expression of sexual desire; it is an act of sexual violence.  It’s about the desire for power and domination.  Rapists use forced sex to humiliate and degrade victims.
• Being raped is traumatic, one of the worst events that a person can experience.  Any person who thinks that a victim want to be raped is wrong.
• Pornography does not cause rapes.  Those who think of their victims as sexual objects are more likely to use pornography which fuels violent fantasies.
• Rapists can rape anyone anywhere.  Most rapes occur in the victim’s home.  There are victims as young as 6 months of age and as old as 90.
• Rapes occur every time of day and night, summer, fall, winter and spring.
• Rapists often blame the victim to avoid taking responsibility for their crimes.  Some victims may comply with the rapist’s demands because they are in fear for their lives.  Compliance is not the same as consent.
• Every person has a right to say no to sex and to have their statement respected without fear of harm.  Marrying someone does not give a person the right to rape.  Having sex with someone when she/he does not want it is not love or lust.  It is rape.

Confusion surrounding the subject of remembering sexual abuse that occurred as a child is very understandable, since the subject matter is complicated, not to mention controversial.

Before the feminist movement in the 1970s, reports of child sexual abuse were generally downplayed or dismissed.  Women who reported abuse were often made to feel as if there were crazy or that is was somehow their fault.  As a result, most abuse was never reported or talked about.

More recently, there has been a lot of publicity on the subject in media headlines.  Many people are now familiar with a victim (either a woman or a man) reporting that they had forgotten about the abuse for many years and are now remembering it, often with the help of a therapist.

When they accuse the alleged abuser, that person’s response is often one of shock, followed by denial.  The alleged abuser may say that these memories are figments of the imagination of the victim.  This controversy has led to an important debate on “false memories” vs. “recovered memories.”

Arguments over this issue can become quite heated.  Some clarification of the terms “false memories” and “recovered memories” might be helpful. A repressed memory is a memory of a traumatic situation that is buried in the subconscious. The person is not aware of its existence.  A recovered memory is a repressed memory that is brought to consciousness so that an individual becomes aware of it.  Recovered memories are assumed to be from an actual even that had been repressed.  A false memory is fictitious – “memory” of an event that never occurred.

The advocates of the “recovered memory” process explain that repressed memories may be brought to the conscious mind through hypnosis, relaxation techniques or dream interpretation.  Some therapists think that if a client has certain symptoms such as low sexual desire, anxiety or difficulty maintaining relationships, it might indicate childhood sexual abuse that the client has repressed memories about.

The therapist may then use one of the above methods to elicit the memories.  Remembering these memories and learning ways to cope with them is believed to free the client of unwanted symptoms.

Those on the other side of the controversy say that people sometimes combine, confuse or invent memories to help define who they are as an individual.  They say that there are no controlled research studies supporting the theory that people repress memories of traumatic events.  In fact, some research supports that false memories can be created by repeatedly asking people the same questions until they “remember” events that never happened.  And of course, there are some therapists who may unintentionally suggest that the patient was abused. 

Since there is no conclusive scientific evidence to firmly support one side and completely disprove the other, the debate continues to this day. 

Therapists who are experienced and up-to-date on current literature will take all this information into account in the treatment of patients.

Recent publication in “Sexual Addiction Compulsivity – The Journal of Treatment and Prevention,” found that approximately 50% of the male college students interviewed looked at internet porn.

Approximately 20% to 60% of those viewing the internet porn indicated that it was problematic for them.  In several analyses, viewing pornography had the strongest negative effects in the psych/spiritual domain and on actual behavioral outcomes (e.g. relationships were damaged, problem at work or school).  Of course if looking at pornography is contrary to an individual’s values or morals, then this behavior would also be experienced as problematic.

What was interesting with this study was that the negative effects of viewing porn were partially dependent on how much the participants attempted to control their sexual thoughts and urges during and after viewing.  So for those who look at porn, then have increases in sexual urges and then try to exert more control over those urges, their porn viewing becomes more and more problematic.  It’s a cycle – the more they fight it, the more they want it, the more they do it and start back all over again.

Although these results are interesting, studies about human sexuality are ongoing.

Once the symbols of infidelity were lipstick on the collar and motel bills, today’s indication that a “relationship” may be in trouble is sexting.

Sexting is the act of sending sexually provocative text messages/pix to someone else.  Although sexting may begin as just flirtation, the messages often become more sexual and more explicit.  This risky behavior may escalate to a person sexting from their sofa (possibly from where they may be sitting with their spouse!)

People can call these contacts “platonic” since no actual touching is involved – at least at first.  But it’s the deceit – the breaches of trust – that makes sexting while you are committed to another dangerous.  You may be playing with fire.

Many people see themselves as being virtuous – “I’d never flirt with someone at a bar…” or “[a text] seems so harmless…”  But in retrospect most people will look back and see that these kinds of exchanges were really an accident waiting to happen.  One person will engage in more graphic communication until the other person, craving for more contact, begins to slowly cross the limit.  Often the intimacy of the virtual relationship is what damages the marriage as much as what it may later become physically.

Alcoholism is a disease and its symptoms are similar to premature aging. 

In female alcoholics, liver disease, menstrual disorders, pelvic inflammatory disease, hysterectomies and bleeding disorders often occur.  In men, liver disease, atrophied testicles and feminization may occur.  Testosterone levels may be decreased as well. 

Changes in the brain may begin from the first few drinks.  It is not known when they become fixed or permanent.  Although alcohol stimulates sexual desire at low doses, at intoxicating levels it decreases the ability to get and maintain and erection and to experience orgasm.

When we talk about non-intoxicating doses of alcohol, we are referring to a 0.06 blood alcohol level or below.  The legal limit for alcohol consumption in Florida and most other states is a 0.08 blood alcohol level.  Moderate intoxication may be from 0.10 to 0.15.  A blood level of 0.15 may occur with three mixed drinks in a 150-pound person.

Because female sexual responses are more difficult to measure than men’s, there is less information about women.  But some things about women and alcohol are known:  increased gynecological disease; difficulty in sexual arousal and achievement of orgasm; greater incidence of infertility; miscarriages or other pregnancy complications.

It is interesting to note that women’s perceptions of their sexual experience differed significantly from physiological evidence.

Women who consumed alcohol believed that their sexual functioning was better than when they did not, and they reported experiencing more pleasure.  Physiological evidence, however, contradicted their belief that their sexual functioning was better.  In fact, evidence shows that sexual functioning in women who have consumed alcohol is lower.

Because these changes in males and females are cumulative, they are often not noticed until there is a problem.

Women often have difficulty achieving orgasm while in the “missionary position.”  It is thought that this is due to the decreased contact with the clitoris.  A technique that works well while in the missionary position and helps to increase the chances of orgasm is called the “coital alignment technique.”

The technique is as follows: the man is on top of the woman with his pelvis low on her pelvis.  His legs are between her legs.  He’s propped up on his elbows holding his weight off her chest.

Next, the man slides forward a little so he’s higher up on the woman with the base of his penis in direct contact with her clitoris.  He then lowers his chest, resting on the woman.  They then begin a rhythm upward and downward stroke of approximately 2 inches.  This movement should be neither too slow nor too fast.  Movement is continued constantly in a slow rocking motion.  The steady rocking of the penis in the vagina with the top of the penis stimulating the clitoris leads to orgasm.

Want to read more: 

The Perfect Fit: How to Achieve Mutual Fulfillment and Monogamous Passion Thru the New Intercourse by Eichel and Nobile.

There are two types of sexual headaches.

The most common gives no warning and happens within a few seconds of an orgasm.  Pain is stabbing and/or throbbing.  The other type of headache starts as a dull ache on both sides of the head then builds gradually and intensely until orgasm.

Some headaches only last a few minutes and others several hours.

Any type of sexual activity (masturbation, oral sex, etc.) can lead to a sex headache.  The most common cause is the tightening of the head and neck muscles.  It may also be a response to increased blood pressure during sex.

Less common, but worth seeing your medical practitioner is a stroke or bleeding around the brain.

Sex headaches are more likely to show up in men and people who are prone to migraines.

I was recently asked this question:  “Does the holiday season bring about sexual problems?”  The answer is yes, it can.

The most common sexual issue right now is low sexual desire.  If you’re a person who goes full force all season, you’ll probably be exhausted and stressed out.  Exhaustion and stress are the two leading causes of low sexual desire and difficulties with performance among men and women.  And if your partner is someone who wants sex as a way to reduce stress, then there will likely be some difficulties. 

Since couples generally know whether their partner wants more or less sex during stress, they can begin to plan more rest and relaxation before the season even starts.  Lowering our expectations of ourselves during that time period can help too.  Instead of trying to visit all the relatives and friends on one particular day, perhaps some might be visited before or after the holidays.  Remember the other people might be feeling stressed with all the visitors coming at once.  Extra help with cleaning, wrapping gifts and so forth may be helpful too.

MISMATCHED SEX DRIVES

Marital conflict resulting from the man wanting sex more often than his female partner is common.  (There are women who want sex more often than their husbands do, but this is not as common).  In fact, it is the most frequent complaint brought to sexual therapy and psychotherapy offices by couples around the country.

In the past, couples just lived with their sexual problems because sexual disorders were not understood, no cures were available, and most people were reluctant to bring the subject up for discussion.

But sexual information from research as well as effective treatments for problems has come a long way in recent years.  Unfortunately, much of the information that is easily accessible to the public is no more understandable or reliable than it ever was.

What you read on the internet or in magazine and newspapers is not always accurate.  Even many of the books about sexual problems and solutions are written by people who have little or no credentials in the flied.  Some of the advice they give can be harmful, and is certainly no backed by scientific study.

The reasons for one person wanting sex more often than the other can be due to a number of complicating factors.  To overcome this sexual dilemma, couples much first understands what’s causing their particular problem, and then move on to the correct solution.  If either one of these important parts is missing, the difficulty will not get solved but will worsen over time.

Examples of these circumstances include medical conditions, hormonal changes, medications, psychological factors, lifestyles, sexual addiction, fatigue, inaccurate beliefs, unresolved marital difficulties, and so on.

Mismatched sexual desires can be complicated, resulting in a frustrating situation for couples that can eventually cause marital problems.

IM BISEXUAL – HOW DO I TELL MOM?

This is not an easy process for most people.  Parents often feel awkward when confronted with their children’s sexuality.  As difficult as this is for a person, keep in mind that you have had some time to think about and begin to adjust to this realization.  Your mom, dad, family and friends need to be given time to do likewise.

Parents tend to have more intense reactions than friends.

This news changes everything they have probably believed would happen in your life.  Many parents need to grieve the loss of the idea of their child as a heterosexual.  This is understandable and can be expected.

A lot depends on how old you are and/or what type of relationship you have with your mom and dad.  If you feel your mom may reject you, having support in place before telling her might be a good idea.  You may want to talk with your father or perhaps some of the resources listed below and try to get as much support and information as you can to help prepare you to talk with your mom.  Approaching her in as loving and sensitive a way as possible may help.

Some Tallahassee community support resources are:

The Family Tree

The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Student Union at Florida State University

Parents & Friends of Lesbians and Gays